Full list of jokes
A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite." The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant". The wife sez "That's close enough!"Link to joke: A bored woman says to her...
A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"The bum said, "No."The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"The bum said, "No."Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife cansee what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"Link to joke: A bum asks a man for...
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.""What a diamond!""How lucky you are!""Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?""Lipshitz," sighed the lady.Link to joke: A buxom blonde wore, at a...
A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the man after helping him with his luggage.- Anything else? - NO, thanks, - Maybe, your wife needs something ? - Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting cards ?Link to joke: A couple just moved into hotel....
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policemanchecks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind."A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of thecrowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not evena Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth'sCatholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listeningto the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to wherethe dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and saysin a solemn voice:"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."Link to joke: A man is struck by a...
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."Link to joke: Two men were changing in the...
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with anunusual offer."Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When youget to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciateit if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100bill and walked away satisfied.It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved tothat part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comestime for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you willnot ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She mademe a much better offer."Link to joke: During the wedding rehearsal, the groom...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smokinga cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg isfrowning and looking put out.The egg mutters to no one in particular,"I guess we answered that question."Link to joke: A chicken and an egg are...
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so whenhe left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective toinvestigate. A few days later he received this letter.Most Honorable Sir,You leave house,He come to house.He and she leave house,I follow.He and she go to hotel,I climb tree to see.He kiss she,she kiss he.He strip she,she strip he.I play with me,I fall out of tree,I not see.No fee,Chen LeeLink to joke: A man suspected his wife was...
The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"Link to joke: The Pilots One day at a...