Full list of jokes
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. Whilestanding in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears thiswhistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It wasonly a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internalinjuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's houseattending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hearsthe teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closetand proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizablelump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my goodtea kettle?"The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they'resmall."Link to joke: A fellow, who had spent his...
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita RudnerLink to joke: "I have a great diet. You're...
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be muchin the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?""No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?""A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion ofJesus."Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?""I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans."Link to joke: A few years ago, when the...
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressedwith the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand."Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preachersays "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again". The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that Iplaced $1000 dollars in the collection plate". The preacher says "NO SHIT"?Link to joke: A man finally goes with his...
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on anoverseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussingtheir home lives."Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchmanbragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes andshe told me how much she adored me.""Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italianresponded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet andtold me she could never love another man."When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?""Once," he replied."Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she sayto you this morning?""Don't stop."Link to joke: A Frenchman and an Italian were...
A Friend's PrayerMay the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person whoscrews up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.AmenLink to joke: A Friend's PrayerMay the fleas of...
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door: Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left. You look left and it reads: Look Right You look right and it reads: Look Left...Link to joke: While your sitting on the toilet...
A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes upand starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't backoff, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied."That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you,your mother?""No, I named myself, she answered."Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men,"she said looking directly into his eyes."What's your name?""Beerfuck."Sent by RonLink to joke: A gent spots a nice looking...
A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry, Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"Link to joke: A girl runs home to her...
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.Mary: Are you wearing it now?John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.Mary: What kind is it?John: Twelve-thirty.Link to joke: John: I got this great new...