Full list of jokes
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"Link to joke: The room was full of pregnant...
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,"what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed togetherbut then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as puttingit in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say fiveHail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment andthen starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him andsays, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and yousaid it was the same as putting it in!"Link to joke: A married man goes to confessional...
A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ?IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICSî. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!Link to joke: A drunk goes into a bar...
The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.Link to joke: The Speed of Time by Age...
The tri stages of sex in marriage- 1.Tri-weekly 2.Try-weekly 3.Try-weaklyLink to joke: The tri stages of sex in...
he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.Link to joke: he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas...
|Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!! Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS. For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!Link to joke: |Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say...
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."Link to joke: One day a wife complained, "This...
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?""No," her husband replied."Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."Link to joke: The wife coyly tried to explain...
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. Onemorning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends Ihave been hearing very nasty rumors!"The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member ofthe dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I amasking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here- before my flock of loyal followers."A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I justmentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard underthe sheets."Link to joke: Way down in the deep south,...
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