Full list of jokes
A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American FartsLearning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is atraditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifyingthe source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"or "The smeller's the feller."Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xeroxpublication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the linesof Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attemptedin print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa1880 - see also "SBD's").Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginismfrequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceledpride.Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger andpermeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariablyanonymous, having left the room.Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, atleast to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of aseries; originator betrays disappointment.Fudgies: See Wet Ones.One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usuallysignified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridgechairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produceblushes, giggles, glares.Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lackingsonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law ofConservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities iscompensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanismresponsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing aboutsuspiciously.Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishingduration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomatesor frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for allconcerned.Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples areaccompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporouscontent. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walkingfunny.Whiffers: see Poohs.Link to joke: A Guide to the Identification and...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"Link to joke: A guy bought his wife a...
Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...Link to joke: Wife: Who was that on the...
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."Link to joke: A guy goes up to this...
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casinoand finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."Link to joke: A guy is down on his...
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I haveon my shoulder...I'll sleep with you." Guy says: "An alligator?" Woman says: "Close enough"Link to joke: A guy is sitting in a...
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in thecrotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally getshimself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on myhoneymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let itheal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he tookfour tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage andwired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and ontheir honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse toreveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he eversaw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched thesebreasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look atthis, it's still in the CRATE !"Link to joke: A guy out on the golf...
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....Link to joke: A guy was driving home one...
A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary?s."Link to joke: A guy was in a bar,...
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wifein bed with another man."Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But whatif you came home one night and caught another man in bed withyour wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his caneand kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."Link to joke: A guy was trying to console...