Full list of jokes
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked upbehind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "I'mgoing to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses."She quickly answered, "George Washington! Thomas Jefferson!Abraham Lincoln!"Link to joke: One of the bachelors in the...
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."Congratulations!Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?""Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young man replied."What happened?" inquired the pastor."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and tookadvantage of her right there.""You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in ourchurch," stated the pastor."That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore,either."Link to joke: Three couples, an elderly couple, a...
Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom. Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"Link to joke: Did you know that once you...
Three girls died and were brought to the gates ofheaven. Upon entering the gate, they were haltedby St. Peter and his obedient angel.St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering youmust answer this simple question." "Which is ...?",they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",he asked the first girl."Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I gotmarried and was still virgin even after I got married.""Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl."Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before Igot married but was not after I got married." "Very good",said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex withevery guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,anytime.""Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...my room key."Link to joke: Three girls died and were brought...
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at leastlike the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at leastlike the trip, and she would know that I love her."The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. Ifigured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."Link to joke: Three guys were sitting in a...
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.Link to joke: Three guys were talking one morning...
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week andwe all got rat-arsed."Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marrymy mum next year."Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry mymum."The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."Link to joke: Three Hells Angels are sitting at...
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby."Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,then you'll come with me to Hell."The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared.The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. Themathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it wascorrect. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of hisfinger, the mathematician disappeared, too.The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me achair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holeson the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then saton the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, heasked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole fromthe right.""Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." Andthe idiot went to Heaven.Link to joke: Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician...
Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.One: Whew, it's windy today!Two: No. Today's Thursday!Three: So am I! Let's go to a bar!Link to joke: Three old ladies are walking down...
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???"Goldblum shuddered.God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions."Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... "Closed for the Holiday !!!"Link to joke: Three Reform Rabbis were in a...
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