Full list of jokes
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June- Jonathan Fiddle -Went out of tune.Link to joke: In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On...
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless mefather for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't wantto ruin her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to yourseat."Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides overand whispers, "What happened?!""Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and sixgood leads."Link to joke: Tommy goes into a confessional box...
|Top NFL Complaints After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail". Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger". Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!! Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week! Don King only bribes boxing judges. Official rule books not made in Braille. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!Link to joke: |Top NFL Complaints After shooting the...
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!Link to joke: The following is an ad from...
A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?""I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."Link to joke: A fellow getting a shave asked...
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.""Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."Link to joke: One day many years ago, a...
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.Link to joke: The sailor came home from a...
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are toldto seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that areunder their wives control and they other for those that controltheir wives.After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their arenineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of hisindependence."That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"Link to joke: Twenty men die and go to...
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.Link to joke: Two attorneys went into a diner...
Two bikers were talking at a bar."How's married life?" asks the first."It's fine," says the second."How's the sex?" asks the first."Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"Link to joke: Two bikers were talking at a...
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