Full list of jokes
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago wasstranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that didnot admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, noroom. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But yoursign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerkstammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do notadmit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have youknow I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Maryin a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in amanger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in thehotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"Link to joke: A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg...
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?" He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed. The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?" He replied, "Half time, switch sides."Link to joke: A guy comes home from the...
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That will be 20.00' 'But you said 10.00' '10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.Link to joke: A lady was in a hardware...
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked. "Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."Link to joke: A lady with a large flowery...
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great things. Butwe have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the firstlawyer ever to make it up here."Link to joke: A lawyer and the pope were...
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going togive up the city life, move to the country, and become a chickenfarmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turnsout that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. Theneighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn'teasy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100chickens."The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the newneighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmersaid, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh,I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.I'll give you 100 more."Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The newfarmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong?What did you do to them?"Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them toodeep or not far apart enough."Link to joke: A life-long city man, tired of...
A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.Link to joke: A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE Getting...
A little kid comes running into the backyard.He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!""Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."Link to joke: A little kid comes running into...
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."Link to joke: A little old lady gets onto...
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"Link to joke: A little old lady sits at...